I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
