please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
