my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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