If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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