my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Randomize
