Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
