He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Randomize
