Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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