Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
