tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
