I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
