gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
