i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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