Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
