Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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