He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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