It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
