90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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