mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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