Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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