Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
You ruined the universe
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
