Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
