i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
