Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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