With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
