worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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