I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
