our cab driver is having phone sex.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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