if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
