her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
