he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
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