He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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