i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
