i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I have post one night stand depression
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