Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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