I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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