So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize