Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
