everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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