My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Randomize
