Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
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