i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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