I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
