Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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