HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Randomize
