I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
