There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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