woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
