Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
