hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i drank out of a bidet.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
