So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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