mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
