I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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