Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
So apparently I’m into choking now
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