Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
