my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
