I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
