I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
