I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
