I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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